Once upon a time, sixteen famous toys were selected to partake in a savage game of survival and cunning deep in the jungle! As the competitors began to congregate, they were confronted by smarmy reality TV host Max Steel.
"As of this moment politeness and fair play are out the window," he explained "You can be the winner, or, you can be one of what will eventually become fifteen weak-assed losers!"

"You've been divided into two separate tribes," Max continued, holding up items for the first challenge. "A representative from each of the two tribes is to go into the forest behind me blindfolded. In there they will attempt to catch and bring back as many Smurfs as they can. But be warned, Doc Ock is ALSO hiding in the forest!"

"The person to retrieve the most Smurfs sends the opposing tribe to tribal council tonight where they will vote out a member of their tribe," Max continued "Competitors GO!".
Quick as a flash, GI Joe, representing the Kukapoo tribe, and Ken for Ibsy Dibsy pulled on their blindfolds and dashed into the forest in search of Smurfs.

"You don't stand a chance pansy boy," GI Joe growled, when suddenly two of Doc Ock's tentacles came up behind him as he crawled about on the forest floor!

As GI Joe's hand fell upon Papa Smurf, the tentacles tore his pants clean off! Unaware of what had happened due to the excitement of finding his first smurf, GI Joe raced into the clearing to show his tribe.
"What the hell?" Max gasped.

Suddenly aware of a somewhat uncomfortable silence around him, GI Joe removed his blindfold before crying out in horror.
"I have loose knee joints! These help with my posture!" GI Joe pleaded as Ken burst from the forest with three Smurfs, outsmurfing GI Joe, and sending Kukapoo to tribal council that night.
A few hours later, using the excuse that a man wearing suspenders may be susceptible to chaffing during physical challenges thus slowing him down, the tribe elected to vote out...

The next morning, the two tribes gathered for their next challenge...
"Meet the subject of your next challenge," Max announced "A somewhat pre-loved Care Bear!"

"Each tribe choose two members to compete," Max explained "These two teams must each sew a limb back onto Care Bear, first team to complete their reattachment sends the opposing team's tribe to tribal council tonight."
The teams got to work sewing, but suddenly tragedy struck!
"Ow!" She-Ra cried "Leonardo! You've sewn the bear to my ass you idiot!"

"Hold still, I'll use my swords to cut the thread," Leonardo instructed.
"Hurry!!!" She-Ra squealed "Care Bear's trying to get fresh with me!"
As Leonardo got to work, the opposing team completed their repair, sending Ibsy Dibsy to Tribal Council that night.
A few hours later, realising she will no doubt be much slower in challenges from now on due to the great big bear sewn to her ass, the tribe elected to vote out...

The next morning, the Ibsy Dibsy tribe awoke to a terrible sight!
"Oh my god!" Luke cried "Rainbow Brite's contracted African trypanosomiasis disease!"

Moments later, Max Steel appeared with some medics who loaded Rainbow Brite onto a stretcher. As the medics hurried her away, Max sheepishly addressed the tribe.
"Uh, with time constraints and a lot of toys to get through, some of you may need to be suddenly written out of the story subject to the writer's discretion."

"So alongside having to worry about being voted off the island, we ALSO have to live in fear of being struck down with terrible ailments?" Ken gasped.
"Correct," Max responded as Ken spontaneously combusted.

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Meanwhile, at Kukapoo's camp:
Having noticed Barbie acting very protective over a little handbag she had brought with her onto the island, her fellow tribe members demanded she empty out the contents, to which she reluctantly complied...

"Wow look at all this stuff," Polly Pocket cheered reaching forward to inspect one of the many outfits.
"Back off bitch! Barbie doesn't share!!!!" Barbie screamed!
Suddenly a horn sounded out signaling the next challenge. The two tribes gathered around a cordened off mud pit, where they could only assume the worst...

"Select a representative from each team," Max told them "Then fight!"
Pizzazz from Ibsy Dibsy wasted no time in stripping off and lunging at Barbie from Kukapoo.
"Bottoms up Barbie!!!" Pizzazz shouted pile driving Barbie into the mud before gasping in disgust "Oh for crying out loud Barbie. With all the crap you brought onto the island you could have at least packed some underwear!"

That night, having lost the challenge, the Kukapoo tribe gathered at Tribal Council where they cast their votes, electing to oust out...

Barbie's tribe members went to hug her goodbye, but, deciding she was too gross and dirty, opted instead to race back to camp and raid her stuff! The next morning, using Barbie's racquets, He-Man and Spiderman played a game of tennis with Polly Pocket...

Suddenly a horn sounded out, signaling the next challenge.... "Your challenge is this time also for a reward," Max explained "A visit from a family member. One person from each tribe will attempt to make fire, first one to get one going wins!"
Luke Skywalker from Ibsy Dibsy got busy rubbing two sticks together as Spiderman from Kukapoo revealed his secret weapon, a magnifying glass pilfered from Barbie's things which he used to focus the sun's beams onto some dry leaves on the ground...

"That's perfect," Polly Pocket cheered stepping under the glass "Gosh I'm having hot flushes all of a sudden!"
"POLLY!!!!" Spiderman screamed in horror.

Due to the fatality the challenge was aborted, and in sympathy to Spiderman, the reward given to him.
"Welcome, Spidermom!" announced Max, as she crawled in.

"Son are you eating properly?" she prattled "Why haven't you called me? What if I'd taken a nasty fall and needed to contact you? Have you been keeping your abdomen clean? Now who out of your little friends can I eat? I'm famished!"
Too hungry to wait for a response, Spidermom lunged forward and ate My Little Pony whole! Seconds later she snatched up Transformer Hoist before realising he was made completely of metal and spitting him out. As she snatched up Luke Skywalker in her pincers, Max took action, showering her in extra strength insect spray.

"Sorry about that Spiderman, but she had to go. And, since there was no proven winner of the fire making challenge," Max announced "BOTH tribes will go to Tribal Council tonight and each vote someone out!"
A few hours later the majority of the Kukapoo tribe decided that since his mother ate one of their tribe members they must vote out...

A little later, Ibsy Dibsy attended tribal council and were unanimous, due to complete paralysis after the brush with Spidermom's poisonous pincers, they must vote out...

"And now," Max cheered "With only seven toys left in the game, it's time for the two tribes to merge!!"
The next day, under the one tribe name of 'Ibsypoo', the final seven gathered for their first post merge challenge...the skills and points of articulation showcase.
"In this challenge you all need to one by one display your gimmick, which is generally written in REALLY BIG WRITING with lots of exclamation marks on your packaging. This challenge is also for a reward," Max explained "The best sell wins!"
Leonardo jumped forward cheering "I have swords, ninja stars and a removable sword holder!"
He-Man puffed out his chest and announced "I come with a sword, shield and battle-axe, removable chest straps AND a power punch!"
"I have a laser beam that shoots right outta my butt!" Astro Boy cheered attempting to demonstrate it.
"No Astro!" He-Man cried "Not while you're constipated!"
"Oh god!" Astro Boy screamed "It burns!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

As the medics appeared to take a burnt butted Astro Boy away, Yasmin stripped off in front of Max and did a little twirl.
"When I take my clothes off, I'm naked," she purred winking at him.
"Stop trying to use your womanly wiles to win the challenge you little slag!" Pizzazz shouted.
"Hey babe, it takes a lotta money to look this cheap!" Yasmin sneered back "Eat plastic!"
"Has been!!"
Fearing a catfight, Max decided no one would have immunity and sent them straight to tribal council! On the way there, Pizzazz threatened to beat up the other tribe members until they agreed to vote out Yasmin. Meanwhile, Yasmin found that no matter how slutty you dress in a last ditch attempt to entice the male tribe members into keeping you around, there's nothing you can do once your tribe has unanimously spoken...

"And now we have the final five," Max announced "You've come a long way, and as explained, there is a reward side to the challenge. A whopping big bottle of booze! Drink yourselves stupid, after all, there's nothing like some drunken shenanigans to spice things up!"

The next morning...

"Gosh how much did I drink last night?" Pizzazz moaned "And where the hell are my clothes?" 
Rolling over she gasped at the sight of He-Man beside her, also naked!
"So babe," he grinned "Was I the most powerful man in the universe?".
"A little tip," Pizzazz snorted "Lay off the steroids muscle boy, you REALLY can't afford for that thing to get any smaller!"


Pizzazz located her dress, pulled it on and headed back to camp when she came across Hoist amusing himself by doing burnouts in the dirt. Suddenly he hit trouble!
"Augh! Quicksand!" he cried as he began to sink "Pizzazz!!! HELP ME!!!"
Pizzazz rushed to him and wondered how she could assist, but then a better idea came to mind...

Soon after, Max Steel appeared before the tribe.
"Ok final five, uh, I could have sworn we had five?" Max said looking around quizzically "Not to worry, it's time for you to meet the subject of your next challenge, meet Pooh Bear!"

"Poor old Pooh has been stuck in this boring old red t-shirt for decades, not to mention the humiliation of being forced to live his life sans pants! Your challenge is to come up with a more contemporary look for him! Best outfit wins!"
Max provided a box of material, sewing equipment and other accessories and the competitors got started. A little later, with the costumes complete, Pizzazz was declared the winner!
"It's post-operative transsexual chic," Pizzazz announced proudly as Pooh modeled her outfit.

That night, due to a deep seated fear certain tribe members had long harboured about the size of a certain toy's head and the nightmares it gave them due to it's bulbousness, Pizzazz, He-Man and Leonardo took action, electing to vote out...

The next morning, the final three gathered for their final challenge.
"This is an endurance test," Max explained getting comfortable on a chair "You will each be required to stand on a separate perch, last person remaining decides who they will take to the final two with them."

Three days later:

"Uh Max?" Leonardo called out, waking Max from his slumber "We're made of plastic, we don't suffer from tiredness, or sore legs. The only way we're getting off these perches is if we die of boredom!!"
"Ok then, change of rules," Max announced "Whoever can remain on their perch longest while I play Ke$ha at top volume wins the challenge!"
Max brought in two giant speakers and started the music blaring.
"Oh god please no!!!" He-Man and Pizzazz cried falling from their perches and convulsing on the ground!

"Leonardo wins the challenge!" Max announced before approaching him."So Leonardo tell me, how did you cope with the strains of Ke$ha's music?"
"Dude I live in the sewer, I'm used to all kinds of crap in my ears!"
On the way to tribal council that night, Pizzazz pulled Leonardo aside.
"You go up against He-Man in the final two and you might lose," Pizzazz whispered to him "Let's get rid of him, take me to the final two with you!"
"You know, I really don't know......" Leonardo pondered.
"Maybe this will convince you?"

That evening at Tribal Council...

"And now we have the two final competitors, Pizzazz, and Leonardo!" Max announced. "It's time to bring in the last five tribe members to be voted off the island. They will decide, through their vote, who is the winner! Pizzazz and Leonardo, meet the jury."

"Pizzazz, explain to the jury why you should be named the winner," Max instructed.
"Ok then," Pizzazz begun "So I ruined Barbie's pretty pink dress, Yasmin, so I called you a slut, He-Man, I made fun of your little tinky winky, and then there is Hoist, laying at the bottom of that quick sand pit......but before you judge me, if you could just see that behind this harsh exterior I'm just a frightened little girl, lost in a world where every other famous 80's toy line seems to be making a come back except for...(sob)... mine,"
"Your turn Leonardo," Max instructed dabbing at his eyes with a tissue "Though you're going to have to work hard to top that heart-warming little story!"

"OH COME ON!" Leonardo cried "She's screwing you dudes! Make me the winner, and um...FREE PIZZA FOR EVERYONE!!"

The jury then cast their votes one by one, before Max read them out in slow, tense, dramatic fashion...

"First vote...Pizzazz...

second vote...Leonardo...

third vote...Pizzazz...

fourth vote...Leonardo...

And now for the last vote....

the winner...

of Survivor Toyland...


"I got beaten by a freaking TURTLE???" Pizzazz shrieked in rage picking Leonardo up and preparing to throw him in the fire!
"Leave him alone!" Yasmin shouted as the council area descended into chaos "You scary old hag!"
"Shut your trap tramp!" Pizzazz shrieked throwing down Leonardo and diving at Yasmin!
"Ladies please!!!" Max begged as the two girls slugged it out on the ground "Have some dignity!"
"Stuff dignity!" Leonardo cheered "Throw some jelly on them and bring us some popcorn!"

Moments later, two security guards appeared and pulled the two brawling beauties apart, before bustling all but Leonardo out of tribal council, herding them towards a helicopter which would fly them back to civilisation. Alone with Leonardo, Max presented him with his prize.

"In this envelope is a plane ticket to an exotic island," Max explained.
"Like, wow," Leonardo sighed "It's not like I haven't just spent the last ten days on one!"
"Ahh but this is a special island, the natives are extremely friendly, and boy do they know how to party! Let's see if you're complaining once you get there."
As Leonardo ambled off to catch a sea plane to take him to his mystery destination, Max heard a noise behind him and spun around to see Pizzazz!
"You'd better hurry and join the others or you'll miss your ride," Max scolded, only to have Pizzazz lunge at him, tearing off his shirt and binding his hands behind his back!
"I came back for my 'runners-up' prize," she cooed "Oh don't look so nervous, I promise to be gentle..."

 A few hours later Leonardo reached his destination...
"Wow when Max said the locals here know how to party, he really meant it!" Leonardo whooped in joy "COWA-FREAKIN-BUNGA!!!".

Follow the links below to read some of my other toy adventures!
Barbie's Love Dilemma:
America's Next Top Model:
Happy Birthday He-Man:
Copyright © Cade Buchanan 2005

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